He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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