Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
