Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
