Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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