Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
