Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
