You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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