I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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