awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
