I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
