just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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