Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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