I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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