Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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