yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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