he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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