we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
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