Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
