He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The best revenge is premature balding
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
being pregnant is like rehab
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
