I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
