broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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