checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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