Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
