Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
