sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
