I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She's the barista slut.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
