i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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