Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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