did you get engaged???
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
