So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
