How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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