This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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