please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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