I CAN MOONWALK!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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