Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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