Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
