i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
