A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
