He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
