i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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