Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
