god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
