Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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