I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
