Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
