forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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