I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
