drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Congratulations! We have a period
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