On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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