I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
