woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
