Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
