Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
