Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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