She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
