The maid of honor just puked.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
