can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
