i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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