my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
