Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
