I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
