I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
