we're chasing vodka with high fives
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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